February 1986 –
The living room was empty. The entire house was empty. I was alone. I had always been alone. I had been living with my boyfriend, who had recently walked in the front door and told me he couldn't live with me anymore. As I wrestled with what I would do next, I panicked. The cocaine withdrawals were getting worse, and I was trying to figure out how to get more. Work was scarce in Mount Shasta, California, especially for a 20-year-old receptionist who couldn't type more than 25 words per minute. All the phone answering jobs I had in the Bay Area through various temp agencies didn't exist in Northern California. I was stuck in a home with no love, no food, a car that wasn't running, and a sick body that wouldn't shut up.
I sat, thinking about my mother, wondering if I could call her and ask for money. No, I couldn't. She would get angry again, and I couldn't go back to her house anyway. To say that our relationship was strained is an understatement. The trainload of baggage from her childhood had bled into mine. She was a mess, and so was I. She never got over being unable to give birth to a child of her own. My brother and I were "Plan B," and we hadn’t turned out the way she had planned.
I was given up for adoption at birth and thought that if I ever found my birth mother, my life would finally be whole. The missing link would be found, the hole filled, and all would be right with the world. Well, I found her, along with my entire family, and I was still a mess. Things got worse, and I struggled to figure out why. What had I done to deserve such a rotten life?
I found my biological mother in May 1985. While we were talking in her living room, years later, she told me she had changed her mind after she spent 71 hours laboring to bring me into the world. She was medicated, exhausted, and frantically wanted to hold her daughter. A lawyer arrived in her room, and then the caseworker stepped in. Mom's face, red and sopped with tears, turned to the lady. "I change my mind! I want my baby! Bring me my baby!" The woman grabbed Mom by the shoulders, shoved her to the bed, and said, "It's too late! Sign the papers!"
The lawyer looked up, "I don't like this."
The woman scowled and pointed at him, "You just shut up and do your job!"
The next day, while Mom was staring out the window, she saw that same caseworker get into a car with a pink bundle in her arms. I had been stolen from her, and she was left with an ache in her heart that never went away.
That was my identity, I thought – stolen and alone. Sitting on the living room floor with two cats that were no comfort to me, I began to sob as though someone had died. I was dying. Everything I had ever hoped for was dying. Mom had been telling me about Jesus, and I fought him. I didn't want to give up control and give my life to him. Jesus pursued my heart for a year, calling my name. I responded with a scream as I knelt on the floor, shaking my fist to heaven, "Why?" I yelled through my teeth. "If you are such a loving God, why have I gone through all these things!"
The room filled with a presence I had only felt slightly before. Inside, I heard his voice, "I told you not to do drugs. I told you not to live with your boyfriend. I told you not to…." The list continued until he said with Authority, "Don't blame me!"
I was slammed with the presence of Love that had ushered into the room. My face lowered to the floor, and I began to say "I'm sorry" over and over again. I was so very aware of my sin, realizing that my choices had brought me to where I was. I put my hands up like I had seen my birth mother do and said through gasps and tears, "Ok, take me. I'm yours!" I let go of me, and he embraced me. In a sudden move of his Spirit, I felt something leave me, and the cocaine withdrawals were instantly gone. I sat exhausted with my back to the couch. All was quiet for a few moments, and then I felt something else. Something was writhing inside of me, and I knew who they were. Thankfully, when I met Mom, she spared nothing and told me that as long as someone accepts Jesus as their Lord and Savior, they have the authority to command demons to flee. I remembered her sharing the Bible with me, "Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you." (Luke 10:19) I also remembered her saying I could speak and use the Blood of Jesus to tell the devil and his spirits to leave.
The things inside me were stirring more as each minute went by. I spoke firm, "In the Name of Jesus, these voices that have been talking to me since I was a little girl, I am telling you to leave now!" Up and out they came. I didn't see them with my physical eyes, but with my spirit, I knew they both had come out of me and whooshed out the front door. The screen door gave a little slap. There was no wind that day, and the front door was closed.
I sat there exhausted but healthy. I began to plan how to pack up and leave for my hometown in the Bay Area. The next day or so, I called Mom and told her what had happened. I also called a close friend, Deen, and asked him to help me get back to town. He did. Two years later, I married him.
I would like to say that my life since that day has been paradise, but that would be a lie. I am still clean from drugs and have a family that loves me. Life is not perfect, but Jesus is. He is my hiding place, my friend, my guide, and my warrior who died for me so that I may live. I cannot imagine going through life without him to help me with all I have endured these past 36 years. I sing his praises because he took my place on the Cross. I am forever grateful! He deserves more than I will ever be able to give him.
If you want Jesus to free you, please read and pray the following:
Romans 10:9-13
If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. One believes with the heart, resulting in righteousness, and one confesses with the mouth, resulting in salvation. Now the Scripture says, Everyone who believes on Him will not be put to shame, for there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, since the same Lord of all is rich to all who call on Him. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.
Prayer:
Papa God, I have sinned and need your forgiveness. I believe that Jesus died for me on the Cross, and I receive that He took my sins upon Him there. I also believe that Jesus rose from the dead so that I could live in Him. I receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior. In Jesus's Name, I receive His Blood on my soul and my life. I am now and Christian and will live for Him. Amen.
If you prayed this prayer, please send me a note so I can help you find a church in your area.
Email Shelley Gill at: heartsdoorministries@gmail.com
1. Luke 10:19 NKJV - - Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2B10%3A19&version=NKJV.
2. Rom 10:9-13 HCSB - - Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Rom%2B10%3A9-13&version=HCSB.